addiction

To be fair, if you know you know. 

The vicious cycle. The pain and the darkness.

Feeling stuck, trapped in the pit of your own mind. 

Lost. Trapped. Scared.

An unreachable itch, scratching you from the inside out. 

Thinking it is “your only way out”.

I thought that it provided a kind of peace. It did not. It submerged me in darkness. I got lost. I stayed down. I lost relationships. I lost myself.

I have battled addiction for 4 years now. It has to be the pit of hell on Earth, and all I was addicted to was weed and nicotine. But weed turned into combining it with alcohol. Those nights were forgotten. Simply, just gone. I don’t really remember my first two years in Vegas. How awful, atrocious. 

The fact that I smoked and drank for years, it felt like it was who I was. A party girl. I idolized that lifestyle for a while, until January 2022. That was also when my addiction began.

I tried time and time again to climb out of the pit, falling deeper each time. Each of my own strength, my own attempt, but 2 Corinthians 12:9 “But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” Here I am, admitting my weakness.

I needed Him, Jesus. God. The Holy Spirit. The Holy Trinity. 

I needed to have reverence and fear of the Lord (Proverbs 9:10) and let Him carry the burdens, Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” His Presence, His Peace, His Comfort, it makes it all worth it. He is with us in the middle of our trials, even if He feels distant. He is always there. 

Hosea 10:12 “Sow with a view to righteousness, reap in accordance with kindness; break up your fallow ground, for it is time to seek the Lord until He comes to rain righteousness on you.”

Jeremiah 29:11-14 “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not calamity to give you a future and hope. “Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me.”

God has a way. There is always a way through. Not out, but through. Unfortunately, we have to do hard things (deny ourselves and pick up our cross). But God is with us through these times. He is right there, holding you up, even if you don’t realize it. He is Good! 

I got sober for a week, and have had times of sobriety in the past but I returned. Time and time again, I returned. Life just got too hard without it, the withdrawals were terrible. I absolutely hated my life each time. That is why I am utilizing medication this time around.

I thought I didn’t have the ability to recover from this last relapse, but it made the process easier. I am more resilient, more knowledgeable. I have a better foundation. I have blind and full faith. I also plan on getting baptized, which I think will help my mindset. I will truly be reborn, again. 

Also, I know as much as I love to smoke, it has no benefits for me. It relieves my mind and provides escape, that’s it. It does not help my depression or anxiety. I get soooo much more anxious than prior to using. As Queen Meg said, “I can’t even handle smokin’ weed”. 

I lose all motivation when I smoke. I lose my ability to function. I don’t clean, exercise, or take care of myself. I think, “Oh this is helping me” and it does harm reduction, but it is not the healthiest coping skill. The other side effects ruin those benefits. I do feel it dims my creativity also, I feel like I can’t think as clearly and fully, a brain fog develops. 

Life without substances sounds scary, but I can tell you it’s better. It’s difficult at first, trust me on that, but I still feel more alive than when I was using. I have a better relationship with everyone, including God. I do not try to run or feel ashamed. I take care of myself better, my sleep is better, my finances are better. 

Addiction is a scary place. So is early sobriety. But, it is truly worth it to see it through.

I believe in you. You’ve got this. God’s got this. 

On another note, if someone you know is struggling, please do not be afraid to speak up. It could save their life, you never know. People romanticized and encouraged my partying, not realizing how much of an issue it truly was. You just never know, but be aware, be cautious, it is a sensitive topic.

This will be another post, but a lot of us youngins don’t want to accept or acknowledge the fact that they have a substance problem. It can not simply be dismissed to “young, wild, and free”, sorry Snoop!

I wish y’all the best and if you’re in the depths of it, keep pushing. It is temporary. The urges are temporary. You can get through it, just breathe.