suicide prevention

Trigger Warning: suicide attempt, suicide ideation, self harm 

–more trigger warning details listed before discussing, not graphic

Wow… it’s already September, the end of it. My apologies. Slacking this month. I had interviews and lots of events going on. 

September Suicide Prevention Month. 

I don’t think this has ever benefitted me. 

I see more and more about suicide, the more and more I think (thought) about it. 

It’s like shoving candy in your face and not expecting you to have any. 

This is my experience with suicide. 

trigger warning: suicide attempt, self harm, cutting, suicide ideation, drowning, overdose, jumping

I have attempted quite a few times, at a few different ages. 

My first attempt was in a bathtub, drowning. Maybe around 6 or 7 and then again around 11. Both times my mom knocked on the door and stopped me. 

Sometimes, I just liked to go underneath and hold my breath, submerging myself and going into my own little world. It was an escape. 

If we haven’t discussed it already, I am most likely Autistic and struggle with Bipolar Disorder, ADHD,  OCD, SI, CPTSD, BPD, and PMDD. ALL high suicide rates LOL. 

Other times when I was young, I would contemplate jumping off the bridge across the street. Sometimes I would sit on the edge and scoot closer and closer. One time my brother saw me and was like “What are you doing???” I told him I was just throwing sticks off the bridge, an activity we often did together. Once I got a phone, I became dependent on one of my friends during these times. I can’t imagine the trauma I caused her. I reached out to her recently, about this, apologizing and wishing her well, and all seems to be good so that’s splendid. 

I started self-harming in the 7th grade. I would cut my wrists and thighs. I still have scars to this day. I did cover my thigh scars with tattoos, but my wrist ones are still prominent. Okay, girly talk time, I CANNOT be the ONLY girl who has imagined this, but a MAN KISSING your scars. YES PLS!!! AH, I would cry. 

Imagine being that loved. Wow. 

Then I remained dormant. 

I had thoughts, mainly passive, but sometimes active. Passive means that there is no immediate threat or danger, and that it’s just kinda like a bleh. Active means threat. Danger. You need to seek treatment and assistance immediately; you are a danger/threat to yourself and/or others. 

I didn’t attempt again until July 4th, 2022. I was all alone in my apartment, telling my family I had work so I wouldn’t be able to come home for the holiday, but in reality I was actively thinking. I had really come home from seeing basically like my first (ex)boyfriend in Florida, and things didn’t go well. I didn’t think they would, but they were terrible. I don’t even want to think of it. The entire trip is sickening. 

So, I did what I did. I went to the beach before and wrote out some prayers to God and my letters. Then, I went home and I took pills and drank a bunch of wine. I was also smoking a lot of weed at the time, so that too. I ended up throwing up like 10-15 minutes in. I hated it. I had been in a dark place since then.

I began partying. Going out all the time. Constantly being high. Drinking every night. Being crossed every night actually. Ruining friendships because of addiction, even early on. I was a mess. And hardly no one knew. The ones that did know, I became too much for them. And I don’t blame them, but it didn’t help either. 

I had been self-harming again, for a month or few on and off before the attempt. My mom knew. And then even more after. I told her about the after. And then I think I may have told her about the attempt? Idk. But, it was bad. She was crying and made me promise to never do it again. And I promised her, only to break it.  

Then I just remained in an active yet passive state for years. It would fluctuate between being dormant, passive, and active. It SUCKED. I began medication again. The medication worked, but my mental state was DARK. I was so depressed and down. I was in therapy, but the treatment wasn’t effective. I was doing alright though. Just rotting in addiction (partying). Until I broke. 

July 2025. I had the shittiest day at work and was so dysregulated, probably partially hungover. I ended up having to cancel last minute and felt so guilty because the client already didn’t get the best care, so I was upset with myself for losing the opportunity. I lost my mind though. My bosses tried to calm me down, and they did. Then I got back in my car and lost it all over again. I managed to drive home and tell my parents that I was going to the gym. 

I gathered all of my prescriptions that I knew would do the trick, s/o psych major! lol. But then I also gathered my vodka and all the marijuana I had, which was mainly edibles and a little flower. I drove to the gym and parked in the back of the parking lot, in an area where no one could see me. I smoked, popped handfuls of pills, and swallowed vodka which I mixed with apple cider I believe? Crazy, huh?? 

I guess at some point I ended up driving as a police officer found me passed out on the side of the road. He asked what I was doing and I said “I’m trying to kill myself!” I swear I heard him audibly sigh. Fair. 

I got sent to the hospital. I was so fucked up I almost died. My heart almost failed. I almost became paralyzed too but I pushed myself and forced myself to walk. It was probably the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. Not knowing if I could walk or not, but being determined that I would be able to. Truly by the grace of God. 

Then I transitioned to the psych hospital, but it was only for a day or three. I don’t remember haha. I can’t remember if they counted some of my medical hospital visit for psychiatry also. It was a trying time. 

I remember getting out with the intention of never coming back, but also not making it through the night. 

And that’s what I did. We got refills of all my prescriptions. I was stocked and prepared to never come back. I remember I was up all night partying honestly, just drinking and smoking and popping pills. I also cut my wrists and tried my neck a bit too. It was dark. I had/have scars. Pain, y’all, pain. 

My parents found me in the morning and I remember begging them not to send me back, but we went to the medical hospital. I only had a three day stay, which wasn’t bad. But, tensions were high. My prescriptions were now administered by my mom. Ugh, it sucked guys. I felt like such a baby but it was smart honestly hahaha. 

From that point on, I was just partying. I remember starting to date a bit. What a mistake that was. 

I remember, I went on a hike with a suitor. We discussed the future (marriage, kids) and I became so overwhelmed and dysregulated and honestly depressed. It felt impossible, unachievable. Like it would never happen for me. I was crying so much when we got back to my house. He left though after I had stabilized a bit and asked if I would be okay, having to take care of some things. I said, “No” and began crying again, but I picked myself up and ushered him out, my mind already determined what I was going to do. 

He left, and I had some wine I was saving so I got that. Maybe some vodka too if I remember right. It was another long night. Much more spiritual this time. I felt like I met Jesus and I was rebirthed. 

I woke up in the morning and texted my family group chat, “Am I dead?” 

I was tripping out, I couldn’t tell if I was dead or alive because I was home alone. I thought I was on the other side and since no one knows what that is, I don’t know that’s what I experienced. Maybe I did die and this is me just living reborn, who knows. ANYWAYS… 

My mom started blowing up my phone and I reluctantly answered. I’m such an asshole guys fr. I always attempt when they can’t do anything, they were on a cruise when I tried. My mom is never going on a cruise again, or so she says. 

So, my aunt, who lives nearby, comes and takes me to the hospital. Same shit. Make sure the heart is good, it was too late for charcoal so now my stomach is just kinda screwed so yea. Idk not the worst but it has damage for sure. Get sent to the ward, but a nice one. I made lots of friends and honestly had the time of my life LOL, it was major chilling. Spent Halloween in the most fitting place, the psych ward lol! 

BUTTTTT, my parents left me there for over a week. I was like wow y’all hate me. But I also didn’t mind because it was nice at the same time. I did want to go home though. 

I made it out. Lots of promises to never do it again. AND I haven’t. I have not abused my prescriptions at all nor have I self-harmed. Recovery is possible. 

I do struggle with suicide ideation (SI) though. Mainly around my menstrual cycle, which is known as premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). My SI has been improving recently, especially without smoking and actually using my DBT skills. I have also been taking more vitamins, drinking more water, and exercising more, so those are all potential factors as well. Oh, and I started taking my ADHD medicine when no smoke and it has been a gamechanger. Hecka helped with the nicotine cravings. It is also a nonstimulant!! No manic mamas! Slayz! 

Growth. The exit out of Egypt. 

Now, I choose to stay, to fight, to persevere.

I will tell you, it was never worth it. Each attempt only placed me further and further in regret. My family lost trust in me, thinking I was to try again at any second. I damaged my relationship with God, my body, and my goals. Shame, regret, and guilt bit at me, all because of this dumb stupid addiction and lifestyle I was living.  

SO, utilize your coping skills. Practice them when you are only slightly escalated/dysregulated, it will make it easier when you are in an extreme state. 

Move your body. Walk, stretch, clean, shower, workout, do anything that moves your body. When your mind is stuck in a loop, the loop can be interrupted by movement/changing the body state. So, just move. 

Talk to someone. Literally anyone. Call 988. Being isolated gives the painful thoughts room to get louder. Do not be alone with it.

Changing your environment is also important. Leaving your bedroom. Going outside and getting sun. Go somewhere with a lot of people. The brain is constantly taking in information from the environment/surroundings. This can change the input, which can change the mood state you are in. 

Question the thought. Tell yourself, “this is a thought I’m having, not a fact I have to act on.” Create distance from the thought. Biblically, captivate or capture the thought. 2 Corinthians 10:5 says, “Take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” If Jesus wouldn’t tell you to think or do it, don’t believe it! 

Ask yourself, “What actually needs to end?” The pain? Situation(ship)? Relationship? Loneliness? Exhaustion? The version of your life that you feel trapped in? 

The brain may present death as the only option, when in reality, all you need to do is change. Change, and to stop resisting change. Be obedient to God and His Word and the Holy Spirit. 1 John 5:3 reads, “For this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments. And His commandments are not burdensome.” This shows the importance to be obedient and make the changes necessary in order to do so. 

Eliminate the timeline. You do not have to solve your entire life at that time. Just solve the next hour. The next minute. 

Drink water. Eat something. Breathe. Pray. 

Sit down. Call someone. 

A permanent decision should not be made during a crisis. 

Find one reason to stay alive. It can be big or small. Family, friends, pets, favorite foods, music and movie releases, or the next episode. Your reason to stay alive does not have to be profound to count, what works for you is what works for you. 

If you can’t imagine improving, then tell someone who can or has. Borrow someone else’s hope. You don’t even have to believe them yet. Simply just let someone believe the possibility and hold onto it until YOU can see it. 

Think of Bible stories. Elijah and Jonah both asked to die. The Lord did not let them. He provided comfort instead. 

& if nothing helps?  

Stay anyways. 

Out of spite. Out of hope. Out of sadness. Out of joy. Out of love, even if you don’t feel it at that moment. 

Feelings always change; feelings are temporary. My therapist always says, “Don’t make a permanent decision based on a temporary feeling”. Powerful stuff man. 

Keep pushing forward. That’s what I’m going to do.

Also, educate yourself. Learn about these things and how to apply them.

The warning signs of suicide: 

• Giving away belongings 
• Suddenly extremely happy
• Increased substance abuse 
• Reckless behavior(s)
• Constantly saying “I love you” 
• Withdrawing from activities 
• Sleeping a lot more or less than usual 
• Increased disassociation 
• Social isolation
• Yelling and lashing out 
• Saying “goodbye” to everyone 
• Joking or hinting about death 

Know the signs. Check in on your friends, even and especially the happy ones, the busy ones. If you see something, ask blatantly, “Are you suicidal?” It does NOT hurt to ask. You could save a life.

There are simple ways to prevent suicide. A lot of it has to do with just listening and truly being there for someone. Showing up for someone looks different case to case, but figure it out for your loved ones. Remind people they are loved and cared for. 

Making sure people are known and seen. Simply just asking, ‘Hey, are you okay?’ It makes all the difference. Love on others. Love your neighbor as yourself (Mark 12:31).

Maybe for some, this means just loving on yourself or focusing on your relationship with Jesus. For others, this means loving on others (friends, family, community members). Heck, it probably even switches between all of these.

Jesus is here for us. He draws near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18). He wants to be here for us. He died for us. Why would He not want to care for us? We can find rest and peace in Him. Only Jesus. Thank You. 

If you need help, call 988 (suicide hotline). 

Know that I am always here for you, and so is Jesus.

God Bless & God Speed.