This is the end of my pessimistic era.
I had been down for four years. For four years I lost myself in addiction. I was functioning, sure, but I’ve basically smoked everyday for the last four years.
I was lost in pity and self-doubt. No self-worth to be found, barely any self-respect, and limited honesty with myself and others. I avoided my emotions, numbing them out.
A part of me liked the lifestyle because as an individual with Bipolar disorder, I liked the consistency in my mood. I always knew how I was going to feel and it was safe. I also knew I was taking my chances by smoking weed, risking a psychotic episode.
I also always felt like there was no way out. That there was nothing to be done. I wasn’t even honest with myself about a single damn thing, feeding myself with these delusions and lies. Jesus was, and is, The answer.
Yes, therapy has greatly helped and I am indebted to my counselor. We have accomplished much work together, and she has provided the exact amount of support where I’ve done it myself, but with help.
The largest factor contributing to my smoking was my emotions. LOTS of work has gone into emotional regulation and distress tolerance. Thank you so much for DBT therapy! I am still learning and figuring out exactly which skills work for me. It is a journey and I am learning more and more.
The end of my pessimistic era marked the beginning of sobriety. The end of heartbreak and old trauma and aches and pains. “Habits, hang-ups, and hurts”, in the wise words of CR.
I have to be honest, I have still been bouncing back and forth with sobriety. I have a few days here and there and then back to not using and then a lil usage, it’s a sick cycle. I am trying to break it. I have heard this is like one of the final moments before complete sobriety thoroughly, that people can stay in this limbo for a little while. It made me feel better about my weekly relapses.
My determination to fully get sober, then a failure because God knows why. I honestly don’t know. I was praying a lot through it and I knew I was making a mistake but it didn’t entirely feel like one so I went through with it. It was a test, I know, and I miserably failed. And then I kinda tend to stay down for a little. Ugh. I get stuck in a loop of shame and guilt and anxiety and fear.
I will say, despite not being consistently sober, the pessimistic era has come to an end.
I am free.
Thanks be to Jesus Christ.
My Lord and Savior.
I know He will fully break my chains and free me from the remnants of my addiction.
I am so much more positive. I am attending workout classes and walking the dog and living life and being happy and confident and loving myself and caring for myself. I wrote about breaking down big tasks into smaller, more manageable ones and my current goal is to at least exercise for 30-60 minutes a day, preferably outside for a little bit. I go above and beyond, but I am also starting slow and building my abilities.
I want to travel. That’s the next step. Unfortunately, as a woman I do not feel completely safe travelling alone. I will admit, one of my exes gave me a legal knife and pepper spray HAHA the other ex (police) was supposed to travel with me. So, one has still provided for my safety while the other just sucks (LOL jk… 😉 HAHAH.
But, I may just travel solo. I will start small and local, then progress to within state and possibly out of state depending on distance and travel time. I want to go to Sedona so badly. I have been supposed to go with a few different friends and it has never come to fruition. SOO, a girl gonna do it. Unless one of y’all wanna come?? Ha! I would love it!!!
The pessimistic era was dark and dreary. It was dangerous and scary, unpredictable. Ticking too, like a bomb waiting to explode. It had exploded before, during the peak of the era. That was BAD. Last year, 2025, the peak of the era, I attempted 3 times. I’m literally crying. I have been thinking about them as it is suicide prevention month, and honestly that shit has been causing SI! TF!!! I will do a post about that too at some point before the month ends!
Anyways, peak pessimistic era. I did that. And one time my parents just left me in the hospital as punishment. They didn’t trust me anymore honestly. We looked into residential treatment, for my mental illness and substance abuse. My parents don’t really believe that I have an issue even though I tell them I do. Idk. Denial is a river in Egypt. (also literally genetic for me so THINK!!)
Idk, I fluctuate on that too. But that’s kinda a part of addiction. I don’t think it is as bad as it could be, like could be WAY worse. I think I’m pretty typical, I just don’t have anything to do so I sit at home and smoke, write, and read all day while listening to music. I want to start playing guitar too. And relearn Spanish. SO much to do!!
A revelation coming out of the pessimistic era is that I do in fact hate law and want to work in ABA. I don’t hate law, I just don’t like an office environment. My stimming ass would be kicked out for being a distraction. Yea. No fr though, I promise. I was like as long as I can have a walking pad, I’ll be good!
I just really love kids. And want to be an amazing mom for my kids. So it’s time to prepare. I also don’t mind working with teenagers, adults, or geriatric I have truly done all age ranges except infant. I don’t think I could recognize it that young, but some babies I have seen on the Internet really stand out hahah, so cute!!
My passion lies in the field of ABA. This science is so beautiful and practical to me. I love helping the kiddos and witnessing the progress they make. I have also had clients with limited progress, and even the smallest steps are truly admirable! I think back to some of the Scripture from breaking down tasks, such as Zechariah 4:10 says, “Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin…” & “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much” (Luke 16:10). I LOVE ABA and all it encompasses. I geek out about it truly. I can feel my body light up when I talk about it.
I do feel it is a disappointment to some people as they were expecting me to be a paralegal and hopefully attend law school. My ideal life is to get my Masters and then enter into a dual PhD and JD program at UNLV. I even wrote that in my statement of intent for my Masters. That’s what I really wanna do. I won’t be done with school until 2032, if all goes to plan.
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life going to school, so I will be working during the meantime. Heck, maybe I will meet someone and start a family soon. If so, perfect timing LOL. Not really. Yes and no. It’s like my deepest desire but also like my greatest fear HAHAH so yea. I need some more time to work on myself and prepare myself and my body and my mind. Psh, my finances as well. My relationship with the Lord can always use development too!
It’s okay to disappoint people if it means I’m not disappointing and living out life for myself.
It’s my life, my choice, my either regrettable or commendable actions.
It’s not like I’m gonna be cut off or anything, but it’s just sad. My parents say how I’ve wanted to be a lawyer since I was a little girl and I was like yea that was until I found ABA. Sorry. But, I also do believe it is my calling. Jesus says “‘Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven… If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.’” (Matthew 18:2-6). Serious, huh?
We will have a talk about how I see Jesus, just from these little hints and descriptions in the Bible. He is angry, in the most proper and justifiable ways. I laugh when I see him being described as a drunkard in Matthew 11:19. Sorry, whoopsies!
I do think it is the end of an era, a not so good one. I do not regret it though. I am thankful, even in the moments I acted stupidly and unwisely. Impulsively. Emotionally. Being emotionally sober is something I have been working on. Love it!
If you have ever met me, or known me in any capacity, and we’ve discussed deeper topics, I will always state that i do not regret anything that has ever happened to me. I would not be the person, the woman I am, without any of it happening. Did some of it really really suck?
Yes.
But,
we made it through.
Thank You God.
Oh yea, I think the biggest reason is that I truly got saved and obeyed and listened and repented and just have been navigating an honest and open relationship with the Holy Trinity. My baptism definitely helped. I started a step study also but I am transitioning it to a therapy session as I can dig a bit deeper and conversate more about it there. I attend church twice a week. I will be starting school in the spring hopefully. And, I will be procuring a job soon I believe. I am currently working on my 40-hour RBT course. Pray for me y’all!!
Guys ohhhhhh!!!! I have to share my RBT testimony. Well, it’s all a part of THE testimony. I haven’t stared writing it but now I will. I have been visualizing it lol.
I did commemorate with 2 piercings… a conch & vertical helix. The vertical helix has been healing well but y’all the conch be painfullll. eek. it’s okay though, it gets better everyday!
Well thanks guys. She a lil cray cray!!!
Suicide Prevention post coming up next!! 🙂 🩷
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